[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
necessity is the mother of invention
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
That’s no pocket rocket.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.