[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You Might Also Like
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.