[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
North and South
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.