[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries