[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.