[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!