I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Ah yes. The three genders
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.