My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.