[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I think I’m having a stroke
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks