[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you