[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
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If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*