[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
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[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.