[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Meow
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…