[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now