[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Catercrombie & Fish
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train