a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know