[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
my retirement plan is braless
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Seductively sings in Klingon.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.