DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband