[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
be careful
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
it’s finally my moment to shine
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.