[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
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4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here