[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
He a real one for that
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh