If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
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The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?