[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”