{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
his wife is probably gonna see that
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.