[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
ok like just. call me at this point
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit