[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Wait, let me explain..”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding