[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Google assistant rules
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Was it something I said?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???