6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.