[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
12. I think about this all the damn time
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks