[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Are we there yet?…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Yes my dude
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
B
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?