[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.