(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
sleeping beauty
set yourself free xox
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.