(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.