[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
He’s cranky this morning
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.