[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.