(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it