[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.