[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills