[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
shut up and take my money
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting