[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*puts cutlery down*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.