[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You Might Also Like
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.