Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Every time.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.