@TheGladStork: Computer: Do you trust this device? Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me?

@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

@TheTweetOfGod: Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@sbellelauren: shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

@novicefather: "Child rearing" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison.