@WheelTod: [At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: "Yep. That's a body all right."

@KentWGraham: I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage

@WilliamAder: To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."

@LikeABaus91: Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn't have the same ring to it.