dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it