If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
You Might Also Like
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.