Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Have kids, they said
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*