Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100