BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.