(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
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Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Sheep
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.