(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it