Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks